As with any big giant life changing transition (like moving half way around the world), I tend to look back almost as much as I look forward. I like to know where I've come from, where I stumbled, and where I was undoubtedly in my element, you know? I keep hearing the sentiment you can't know where you are going unless you know where you're coming from. Learn from the past, learn from your mistakes, figure out how to be a better person. There was a little bit of facebook stalking done when it comes to looking at my past. I assume that this is a pretty natural thing to do, and I'm pretty sure everyone facebook stalks. Looking up ex's, people I used to work with, people who used to be part of my life. Finding out little details about where they are now, what they're doing. And sometimes I'm a little bit smug (the lady who used to make me listen to her go on and on about her diets is still horrifically overweight, the douche who told me I'm not going to do anything with my life is still working in the same shitty job that he was in when I left 5 years ago) and sometimes I'm a little bit sad. Ex's have moved on. Friends I used to know but now don't have these amazing, busy, gorgeous lives with exotic holidays, pretty weddings and fat babies.
Mm. I had a minor freak out. Am I doing all I can be to be the person I want to be? Am I where I want to be? Should I be settling down? Does my job pay enough? Have I been on enough expensive holidays?
I realised how much I use other people as a gauge for how I'm doing in my life. As a bar for how *I* feel about where I am in life, and how I feel about where I'm going and what I'm doing.
And I think it's fucked up that I do that.
Because if my life is anything to go by, I know that while I'm happy to put the good times on show I tend to gloss over the uninteresting or downright horrid parts of my life. Online I don't talk about my job, or about family, or any drama that isn't mine to share. I certainly don't share any of my insecurities or faults if I can avoid it. And I'm pretty sure people do the same on facebook. In which case it's down right idiotic for me to use facebook as a gauge for how I'm doing in my life. No one can live up to a life with no downsides.
It's even more idiotic to use my peers lives as a yard stick for my life. A perfect example would be that many, many of friends (who I love and adore because they are brilliant) are married. I'm sure many of you reading this are married. And that's great, if that's what works for you. Right now? Right now I can't imagine being married. Just like I'm sure not all of you can imagine packing up your life and moving to the other side of the world on a whim, like I did. What may work for my friends may not work for me. So why do I compare our lives in order to feel like I'm "on track" with mine?
If I'm completely honest, all this looking back is because I didn't know what I was doing with myself. For a year I used London as my end goal. What was I doing? Where was I going? To London. I used all my spare time to work towards getting to London.
And then I was in London. Without a plan. And I had a minor freak out about what I was doing.
Things are better now, though. I have a job, and a place, and fun circle of friends. I'm making plans for outrageous holidays (snowboarding in Japan! Sailing in Greece! Ruins in Athens!) and I'm finding things to work towards, things to keep me busy. But if this minor freak out has taught me anything, it's that I don't need to know what everyone else is doing to find my feet. I am where I am, and where I am going is not going to be defined by facebook stalking.
Tell me Blogosphere, am I the only one that has mistakenly used facebook as guideline for life?