Having read a ridiculous amount of heart breaking, soul shattering posts this past month, I've felt really silly posting such fluff about my life. A friend said that it was good reading, and it filled in a little of the backstory. A little daily segment of Elly. But it did feel a little like really silly fluff. I won't lie, November was hard for me. There were alot of less than brilliant angsting situations. I learnt a fair few things, this month.
I learnt that family are more important than anything else, and that just because nothing is said, it doesn't mean I'm not needed or can't help. That the future is a murky murky place, and I want to do all I can to ensure that my family are safe, and taken care of. That I want to be there for them, and have them know that.
I learnt that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut, and when to be honest. I got into a few conflicts month, with people who didn't deserve my angst. I learnt that sometimes I need to say less, and provide more chocolate. Other times I need to be more open, and build less walls. I don't deal with conflict well. I hide behind scathing emails or nasty facebook messages. I think I need to hide less, so I can see what effect my words have on people. I need to learn to apologise more for feelings hurt, instead of filling the space with stony silence.
I learnt that sometimes? Beef is imaginary, and can be imaginary on both sides. Sometimes reaching out and asking if beef exists is better than maintaining a stony silence. Besides, some friendships are worth reaching out for.
I learnt that I should trust myself more. I broke off a nothing, which is never easy. I went through a horrible phase of doubting myself, and grieving for what might have been only to have the outcome reconfirmed a while later. He proved that I was right to walk away. I should trust myself more, and angst less. It's just, sometimes you hope for the best, and you fall for the potential in someone rather than the person they are. I learnt that I need to be more in the present instead of that optimistic place in my head.
I learnt that being scared of the future is okay. That I have an amazing number of friends there to catch me if I fall, and that I shouldn't be afraid to jump. That despite the stupid number of countries I'm going to be in, there will be someone there should I need them. That it's okay that I don't know where I'm going to stay in Rome yet, or how I'm going to get myself to Sommerset. I don't need to worry just yet if trying to find people to ride with on travel forums is something I should do, or if its the most idiotic thing ever. I've learnt that I don't need to know all the details yet, and it's okay to figure them out in the moment. No need to stress.
I learnt that sometimes situations don't change, despite how much you want them to. That despite a stupid amount of time and an epic effort at moving on, I learnt that sometimes a year isn't long enough. That when you love someone so much, sometimes a year isn't enough time to let it go and put it to rest. And that's okay. There is always more time if you need it.
I learnt the hard way that with the unprofessional and disgusting people I occasionally have to deal with, there is no reasoning with them. I allowed myself to get drawn in to a situation when I should have stood my ground and let the drama pass me by. Because when said unprofessional people react like emotionally-stunted children, are intentionally nasty + horrible there's no way anyone can win. A white flag is perceived as an attempt at 'one-upping' and lies spread like wildfire. Before you know it everything has spiralled out of control. Next time, I won't get drawn in. Next time, I'll avoid such silly confrontations because they aren't worth the time or effort.
I learnt that some things really are better in your head, and just cause they were great in the past doesn't mean they will be great the second (third? fourth?) time around.
I learnt that having perfect 'beach' hair is as easy as going for a swim in the ocean. I also learnt that sometimes you need to keep togs in your car, so on the days the ocean calls you don't have to swim in your underwear. That it's worth keeping chocolate in your bag for hard days, and sometimes eating fries is better than going for that run. I learnt that its easier to laugh at myself, than to grudge others for laughing at me, and that sometimes a belly laugh at a silly shorn cat is all you need to turn your day around.
I learnt that I have the most brilliant friends in the world, that they'll help me take apart phones, or listen to me cry about things that are out of my control. That they won't judge me, even when I freak out and do things I shouldn't (RIP Phone) and that bar some laughter with love, they really will support me and love me. I learnt that you really can have consecutive drama free days. That you can gather people from different parts of your life and spend a brilliant afternoon playing beach cricket.
I learnt that while November was hard, December is going to be nothing but brilliant.
How was your November?