"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony." – Mitsugi Saotome I tweeted the other day, about how ridiculous it was that coding some everyday functionality made me happy. Because it worked. Because I did it, and it was clever.
This is the kind of thing I would have squeed about with The Ex. I would have messaged him and squeed, because he was my person. My person who I would tell dumb stuff to, who would message me everyday with weird things to look at on the internet, and who I would share my excitement over equally dumb things with. The person I'd txt when I was bored, or upset, or happy, or just because I could.
And now, when I'm excited about something stupid, or proud of something super minor that I did . . . I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have a person to message. Or txt. None of my friends are going to care that I made a drop down list work interact cleverly with my control group list. The Ex wouldn't have cared either, except that it was me and he was my person.
And now with no person, I'm at a bit of loss. So I tweeted my excitement. And oh, internet. You are not my person. You didn't care, with nary an @ reply. I txt'd a friend and he didn't get it. I messaged another, and while he did get it, he's a better programmer than me (which isn't hard, tbh) and didn't see why I was excited about something so trivial.
So now I'm keeping my excited little squee moments to myself. And I'm learning how to rely on just me, and how to do things alone and happy. I'm learning that if it's just me, I can eat all the spinach and feta dip and not feel bad that I didn't share. That it doesn't matter if I sleep in till 10 past 8, because I don't have to drop anyone off. There's no one to mock my girly tv shows, and because I'm only doing my washing now, I can do two loads a month and still have enough underwear and clothes to be good. It means longer hot showers because no one else is waiting to use the hot water, it means spontaneous adventures without having to check in with anyone and it means I get to eat the last oreo if I want it.
It means a million billion good things. Deliciously selfish just-for-me things.
But I miss not having a person. Even if its just for that tiny moment of understanding where I am excited, and there is someone who can see that and be glad.
For those of you without Persons, what do you do?