Only just realising what I'm missing

Since I've been back in London there's been enough time to decompress and start sifting through all of the amazing experiences we had. Some of them though, some of them are heartbreaking. While I've been away in the UK, I didn't really know what I missing. How could I? I was busy being off having my own adventures. But now that I've been back, I'm missing my family more than I thought I would. So much has changed in the last three years. Everyone is going in directions I didn't know about and they all feel strongly about things, and have in jokes and all of the big things and little things you just can't know when you're not there.

The small things (Dad threw out the family room table that I ate dinner at everyday for 20 years) and the bigger things (my sister has a new boy, new friends, new jobs and a bucketload of new tattoos). It all happened while I wasn't there.

I'm not awesome at keeping in touch, really. 13 hours is a massive time difference, and my life in London (everyone's life in London, really) is one busy social event after the other. My calendar is all booked up this month. It's an excuse, more than anything. Keeping in touch is HARD. And when we do what's app, or txt or skype we talk about the big things. The events, stuff that we did, stuff that we're going to do. But all the details? I miss all the details. The nuances.

Talking to my Dad was like being at home. It was honest, and genuine. I missed it. It's harder over Skype or on the phone, with continents and oceans between us to feel that. It was so easy to be back at home with him. There was a new respect now, we were easier with each other. And now I'm so far away, I'm feeling the loss. I feel like I was shown a peek of what could be and it was taken away again.

There was a lot of emotion in the three weeks I was there. Everything has a new state: the house is being sold, Sibling is moving towards an industry role, Mum has a whole new family that I don't have a relationship with and both my parents have partners who aren't ... new anymore. They're settled, and comfortable, and all of this happened without me.

Worse, is learning all the things, having all the realisations and then knowing that in a few short weeks you're leaving again. More worse is being back in London and feeling every inch of those 18,000kms.

I'm not sure how to bridge all the gaps. I'm a bit heartbroken. I miss my family terribly.