“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony.” – Mitsugi Saotome

I tweeted the other day, about how ridiculous it was that coding some everyday functionality made me happy. Because it worked. Because I did it, and it was clever.

This is the kind of thing I would have squeed about with The Ex. I would have messaged him and squeed, because he was my person. My person who I would tell dumb stuff to, who would message me everyday with weird things to look at on the internet, and who I would share my excitement over equally dumb things with. The person I’d txt when I was bored, or upset, or happy, or just because I could.

And now, when I’m excited about something stupid, or proud of something super minor that I did . . . I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have a person to message. Or txt. None of my friends are going to care that I made a drop down list work interact cleverly with my control group list. The Ex wouldn’t have cared either, except that it was me and he was my person.

And now with no person, I’m at a bit of loss. So I tweeted my excitement. And oh, internet. You are not my person. You didn’t care, with nary an @ reply. I txt’d a friend and he didn’t get it. I messaged another, and while he did get it, he’s a better programmer than me (which isn’t hard, tbh) and didn’t see why I was excited about something so trivial.

So now I’m keeping my excited little squee moments to myself. And I’m learning how to rely on just me, and how to do things alone and happy. I’m learning that if it’s just me, I can eat all the spinach and feta dip and not feel bad that I didn’t share. That it doesn’t matter if I sleep in till 10 past 8, because I don’t have to drop anyone off. There’s no one to mock my girly tv shows, and because I’m only doing my washing now, I can do two loads a month and still have enough underwear and clothes to be good. It means longer hot showers because no one else is waiting to use the hot water, it means spontaneous adventures without having to check in with anyone and it means I get to eat the last oreo if I want it.

It means a million billion good things. Deliciously selfish just-for-me things.

But I miss not having a person. Even if its just for that tiny moment of understanding where I am excited, and there is someone who can see that and be glad.

For those of you without Persons, what do you do?

There is a lot of drama going on right now. Alot of situations I’d really like to not be apart of. People make decisions that effect me, and I’m basically rag-dolling in the aftermath. And it just keeps coming. It just keeps happening. New situations blow up, and old situations evolve and everything is just expanding at a rate that I can’t keep up with. It’s getting to the point where people tell me what should be brilliant, exciting news and I’m finding it difficult to assimilate what they are telling me, what it means. It’s another something to deal with and I don’t have it in me to deal or understand right now.

I’m struggling.

I feel like I’m pulling out everything I have to keep the smile on my face. To keep going. I’m finding it hard to want to participate, to discuss or even be present.

It’s overwhelming.

It’s overwhelming when its your family. Your friends. Your life. I feel like right now what I want is to disconnect from everything. Take some time out, away, and give myself some room to deal. To think without these ridiculous emotions washing over me, and amping up everything that happens.

The problem with life though, is that it doesn’t have a pause button.

Okay, I’ll be honest. Keeping up with this month was a serious struggle. I had to FORCE myself to take photos, and I was pretty slack at uploading them to flickr everyday. Often I’d do a bulk upload once a week. Sorry for the mass twitter spam updates. While I’m glad to say I’ve made it through January, I feel like I’m not really pushing myself to take better photos, to really experiment and get out there. Each of these photos has been a ‘quick, just take a photo of something, anything’. I will make an effort this February to change that, I think.

Also, looking back, January started off awesome, but descended into a twisty dark place with lots of horrible drama. Gah. Fingers crossed February is a better month!

This was my January:

1st of January to the 31st of January. 118 down. 247 to go.

Past Months: October, November, December.