Mar
I’m not very good at confrontations, or emotional drama. I either freeze up, or turn into an overly confrontational bitch. Either results in immediate abandonment because I don’t know how to resolve the situation without making it worse. I dislike drama, and avoidance is usually the easiest way to not have to deal with such situations.
In this case, for me it always starts with these shoes.
I’ve mentioned before that I used to wear mismatching shoes all the time. It started when I lived in a shoebox in the sky, with a couple. They were my best friends, at the time. This girl and I were as tight as tight could be, we loved the same things, had so many in jokes and rocked out together all the time. And naturally our shoes, clothes and pretty much everything was interchangeable. We basically combined our wardrobes. And then we went through a pretty heavy chucks phase, I must have at least 5 pairs, and we would wear *those* interchangeably too. It didn’t matter if they matched or not, and when I moved out I moved wearing one of my pink ones, and one of her blue ones.
She kept my pink one, and I kept her blue one and it became another symbolic connection of our friendship. Like one of those necklaces and each has half a charm that joins in the middle. Except in shoe form. Weird, but whatever.
Long story short, we aren’t friends anymore. I can’t even remember what happened, other than I went from bridesmaid to not even invited to her wedding because I asked if she wanted to go a wedding expo. Well, not quite, it wasn’t exactly like that. We said lots of horrible things to each other, and justified it with other more horrible things. There were some gigantic misunderstandings. We hurt each other, in the way only best friends know how. We stopped being friends, let alone best friends. We were no longer tight. Or even talking.
And for ages I thought I was okay with that. I didn’t want to be friends with someone who was okay to drop you like a stone from bridesmaid to nothing. That hurt. What also hurt was her saying that I’d been replaced, and that I was an easy replacement. That sucked ass, massive kick to my self esteem that my supposed best friend would even think such a thing. At the time my family was in the process of breaking. It was one of those times you wanted a best friend around, but alas. I was accused of being more dramatic.
In the end I sorted out what I wanted in a friend, and stuck with the people who wouldn’t dare drop me when I needed them. I didn’t want to loose anymore friends, and wasn’t going to waste time on people who didn’t want to be friends with me. And as time went on I was okay that we weren’t friends anymore. Oh sure, we had mutual friends who had mutual gatherings. And I was happy to see her and talk to her if she came up to me at these mutual gatherings, but it was always awkward. I never initiated anything, I always found her so unapproachable. In the end I was glad that our mutual friends lived in another country, so we only ever met every couple of months, if that.
I’ve wondered if I should give her shoe back, but I haven’t. It would be like the ultimate cut. At this point I can acknowledge that we did have a past. That we were best friends, and the wearing of two different shoes is the last link back to that time. Then today, while I was looking through a bunch of facebook photos, I realised that she had un-friended me.
I was happy to stay acquaintances, cause it was safe there. There was no confrontational issues, no need to get involved in all the emotionalness, no need to worry about it. But she obviously wasn’t. It probably wasn’t that dramatic, actually. She probably did it without thinking. But for me, this resonates quite clearly that things are done. There is no such things as happy acquaintances. There is no coming back from here. We’ve lost a best friend in each other, the time for resolution is past and that’s that.
Tough shit to me, really. If I had wanted anything different, I’ve lost the chance to do so. And in all honesty, I didn’t know if I wanted different or not till that quiet, sneaky friends cut. I was happy to stay in the limbo, the nice non confrontational limbo. I guess it’s too late to do anything about it now.
Posted in: RL
Yuck. I’ve gone through that whole ex-friend business and it’s not fun. People grow apart though & I’m sure you’re better off — she’s clearly the one who’s missing out!
@Desiree – yeah, it’s totally not fun. It DOES make you appreciate the friends you have, though. I’m glad the people I surround myself with now are the kind where this drama just wouldn’t happen. It’s all very reassuring you know?
Absolutely!
Ugh, losing a friend is tough, especially when the friend is someone you’re particularly close to.
That said, I don’t think it’s ever too late to do something about it, to change the path you two are taking. People, being human, make mistakes and mess up and fall apart and are sewn back together again all the time. If you want something different, you might not be able to do it by Facebook anymore. But then again, that’s what telephones are for.
i freeze up always when friends things get tough. it kinda sucks though because in one way if you fight it out at least you get closure. i just full on drop the person. i am just too critical with people. we they do something that i dont think is right i just full on drop them usually without saying much at all. when im friends with someone i place heaps of faith and loyalty in them, so if they disapoint me this idealistic bonds i hold with them shatter. i have been learning to work at this though. caz sometimes friends do disapoint…well, often really. but i just feel like the whole idea of friendship is a dying thing in most people (but a few) because i know i would never treat my friends like that. so maybe its not just a idalistic thing but kinda being treated like you know you treat others. i dunno.
@Sarah – yeah, I think your right. At the same time picking up the phone to deal with the giant raging river over which we’re meant to build a bridge is pretty scary stuff, and life doesn’t always have happy endings.
@Hayley – I get where your coming from. I never believed in the golden rule of treat others as you wish to be treated (mainly cause of the giant logic flaw. ie if your into kink and wish to be spanked, go around and spank everyone. It doesn’t always work out like it’s meant to), but I DO understand the wish to be treated with respect, and love. Friendships aren’t always easy, and people don’t always treat them like other relationships (ie with your family, or partner) and so they don’t always have the same channels of communication open for you to suss out what the issue’s are, and they don’t always treat the trust and loyalty required in the same realm, you know? So in that sense, even though it may not always be the right thing to do it’s easier and less painful to drop them, so yeah, I totally get where your coming from.